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"One of these girls' biggest turn-offs is guys who are indecisive or slow to take action, who take a lot of time trying to decide whether or not they should make a phone call," Hegl clarified.

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SALINAS, CA—In an effort to maintain stringent industry standards, salad suppliers nationwide pledged Monday to continue including just enough greens in bagged salad so that some will go bad if you’re single.

DURHAM, NC—Explaining that the global display of female solidarity will ultimately have no impact on the supposed problems it addresses, local man Lawrence Randall, who will participate in a boycott against the upcoming film ‘Avengers: Infinity War,’ told reporters Wednesday that the Day Without A Woman strike won’t accomplish anything.

HARRINGTON, DE—Proceeding slowly while limping down the hallway of Lake Forest High School on crutches, 16-year-old basketball player Jeremy Moore was reportedly walking around Friday like a fallen war hero.

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