SARASOTA, FL—Saying that the plump liquid center had been broken and was trickling warm yellow goo on all sides, a report released Thursday found that, oh, fuck yeah, an egg yolk was dripping all over a sandwich.
GREAT FALLS, MT—The subtle changes to layout and decor preventing him from feeling totally at home, area man Ethan Kim told reporters Tuesday that he was unnerved by the uncanny alternate universe of local establishment Hickory Pit’s second location.
LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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"One of these girls' biggest turn-offs is guys who are indecisive or slow to take action, who take a lot of time trying to decide whether or not they should make a phone call," Hegl clarified.
"These girls want to talk to the kind of guy who calls right away. " said hot sexy girl Sondra Pett, reclining backwards into a pile of soft, lacy pillows while arching her back and thrusting her breasts forward.
SALINAS, CA—In an effort to maintain stringent industry standards, salad suppliers nationwide pledged Monday to continue including just enough greens in bagged salad so that some will go bad if you’re single.
DURHAM, NC—Explaining that the global display of female solidarity will ultimately have no impact on the supposed problems it addresses, local man Lawrence Randall, who will participate in a boycott against the upcoming film ‘Avengers: Infinity War,’ told reporters Wednesday that the Day Without A Woman strike won’t accomplish anything.
HARRINGTON, DE—Proceeding slowly while limping down the hallway of Lake Forest High School on crutches, 16-year-old basketball player Jeremy Moore was reportedly walking around Friday like a fallen war hero.