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The news got even better upoin their arrival in London after it was guaranteed that funding increase across the next eight years in a bid to build on the phenomenal medal haul had been confirmed, with plans already being put into place to make Tokyo 2020 even more successful.

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Team GB athletes returned to the United Kingdom on Tuesday morning to the adoration of the waiting British public eager to celebrate their record success at the Rio Olympic Games, although the cheers were put on ice when they arrived at baggage reclaim with all 320 athletes and staff collecting identical kit bags.

British athletes returned home to London Heathrow shortly before on Tuesday aboard the newly-renamed “victo RIOus” British Airways flight, complete with 320 athletes and support staff and 77 additional bottles of champagne, while everyone on board the flight will be offered a three-course meal.

PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Overcome by problems in his personal life, an inability to get his golf game in order, and his foundering public image, Tiger Woods broke out into uncontrollable sobs on the fifth tee of the U. PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex.

WINDERMERE, FL—A spokesman for the Windermere Police Department told reporters Thursday that investigators have gathered enough weird-ass evidence to officially classify Tiger Woods' recent car accident as pretty fucking strange.

Woods, who said that his mind is constantly tortured by psychosexual fantasies and that his golf swing is really starting to come together, finished at 13 under par—two shots better than his nearest opponent. I hate myself.” Added Woods: “But above all, it’s important to just go out there and have fun.

“Going into this week, I knew my game was where it needed to be, I can’t stand the man I’ve become, and the important thing was to just get out on the course and execute,” Woods said to the gathering of reporters and fans. Open.” Though the TPC Sawgrass doesn’t necessarily set up well for Woods’ game, the 14-time major winner said that he had his putter working when he needed it and that he suffers from a range of psychological issues including difficulty controlling his anger, an inability to trust anyone, acute paranoia, and the fact that he spends every second of every day feeling like he’s on the verge of losing control and screwing up his entire life all over again. And I hate myself.” WINDERMERE, FL—Tiger Woods reportedly spent several hours in deep contemplation Saturday, pondering whether he should inform friends, family, and reporters that he's still getting laid on a regular basis.

Sir Hugh Robertson, BOA vice-chairman, told BBC Radio 5 Live: "The National Lottery funding is reasonably secure in any event because that relies on people buying their lottery tickets week in, week out and incidentally, if you haven't done so please do so because this supports our Olympic athletes.

"The Exchequer, under the previous Chancellor, offered us an amazingly good settlement at the last public spending review of a 29% increase in elite athlete funding so the combination of those two things will offer us security through to Tokyo and beyond and enable us to invest in athletes in the way that we've done in the past to deliver success." While Robertson was confirming the future of British Olympics is secure, Team GB athletes were enjoying the party atmosphere aboard flight number BA2016, with pictures uploaded to social media before take-off revealing that the champagne was already flowing.

All 27 of Team GB’s gold medal winners were allocated a place in first-class as reward for their success, although many had already left Rio after their success came in the first week of competition.


  1. At this moment, I’m concentrating on getting prepared for my next tournament.

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